Children can be left with the burden of their parents' failed marriage. Photo: IC

Children can be left with the burden of their parents' failed marriage. Photo: IC

It has only been three weeks since Li Shan (pseudonym), 18, started his new life as a college freshman, but he's more heavyhearted than excited. His parents have just divorced, and Li has discovered that it was him who caused them to suffer together all these years.

"If it wasn't for you, we would have left each other a long time ago," said Li's parents when announcing their divorce to him. "If we had got divorced when you were a kid, how would you have lived with it?"

The revelation that Li prevented their separation has caused him considerable stress, affecting his sleep, studies, and even his interpersonal interactions.

"I can accept them getting a divorce, and I even want them to. I just don't want to become a burden to them and their marriage," admitted Li.

Ever since Li was in elementary school, his parents have been on bad terms with one another. For as long as he can remember, he has lived with his mother at his grandmother's house, while his father always away on work.

However, staying married or keeping a divorce a secret while the couple has already separated, is one of the major sacrifices Chinese parents are willing to make for their children.

This time of year, when universities start a new school year, sees an upsurge in the number of divorces in China. According to the Chaoyang District Court, the number of divorce cases after gaokao (the college entrance exam) rises greatly every year. In 2011, the number of divorce cases doubled during the 20 days after gaokao, with 70 percent of the cases being between couples in their 40s and 50s.

Compared to the young couples who tend to be more impulsive, most of the older couples getting divorced this time of year have clearer plans for their children's future and are more leaning towards divorce by consent than litigation, according to Wang Xiuquan, a lawyer in Beijing Jihe Law Firm with years of experience in divorce cases.  

Wang told Metropolitan that the phenomenon of parents getting divorced after gaokao these years corresponds with China's skyrocketing divorce rate in general.

According to the Ministry of Civil Affairs, 3.5 million married couples got divorced in 2013, a 13 percent increase from 2012.

"[Parents waiting for their children to go to college before divorcing] is connected to the Chinese marital values," Wang said. "The Chinese style of loving a child is that a parent's responsibilities last until the child is off to college, gets married, and then has a car, a house, and children." 

Psychologist Zhou Nan has been consulting both college freshmen and parents through such scenarios recently. She told Metropolitan that there are two types of cases among parents who announce their divorces during this period each year.

"There are those who have already gone through the legal divorce proceedings but decided to announce it in August after their child's gaokao," she said. "The other type of divorce is more common in September - [the parents] send their child off to college and then end their marriage."

It makes children like Li feel like they're the burden in the marriage that their parents couldn't wait to get rid of, said Zhao. It is natural for Li to feel a certain amount of anxiety due to the divorce, combined with the difficulties he is encountering upon entering college and living on his own.

A woman surnamed Gu divorced her ex-husband last year when their daughter was a freshman in college. She was greatly torn by the fact that her daughter had to deal with their divorce at such a period in her life.

"She was not doing well in high school, and her ranking was dropping...So we decided that we should just keep the peace on the surface," said Gu, who added that there are many parents who choose a similar strategy. After her parents announced the news of their divorce, the daughter said she was not very surprised, and that it was not necessary for them to sacrifice their happiness just for her.

For parents, Zhou suggested not to take children as if they were only accessories of a marriage.

"Parents shouldn't give ideas such as, 'If it wasn't for you, I would have already done this or that,'" said Zhou. "It easily leads children into feeling guilty, carrying the heavy shackles of their parents' unfortunate marriage."

"Binding marriage to a child is wrong by parents as it intends to reduce their own responsibilities for a failed marriage," she concluded.